Updated: Aug 29, 2020
Getting married and finding love are two different thing's. In truth for me having both didn't seem possible. I had my heart broken, the man I loved, well he loved someone else, plain and simple!! God it hurt, tore my heart apart,not to mention how it crushed my self esteem, killed my belief in a happy ever after for me, that is... I just didn't see it happening for me. So in protective mode, thinking ( thats we my first big mistake) I was being clever. Not trusting this messy heart and love business I decided the safest thing was to have someone love me more than I loved them... So I could keep a nice, cool,safe distance form my uncomfortable feelings, of not being married to the man I really wanted to be... I wanted to be Mrs. Siobhan ?
Well God smiles when we make plans. My plans seemed good at first, In fact brilliant. I met a man, who was successful, generous,kind, good, available and by way of luck completely obsessed with me and had all the" Good on Paper" credentials we are supposed to look for. Now well I got married, lived in a big house, drove big car's and on paper had a big life.... But in truth and to be fair to my Ex-Husband it was never going to work as my heart, soul , mind and certainly my body wasn't in it. I did of course get my beautiful baby girl, something I am always grateful for... My marriage breakup though inevitable was also deeply painful and infact traumatizing, to not only be responsible for my own feeling but the entire care of a little person, ON MY OWN..
We ( my daughter and I ) took a few years to find our feet, but we did and a lovely comfortable routine took over our lives. As anyone with a small child know's your everyday is filled with cooking, cleaning, minding,getting up early, going to bed early, basically a very orderly and settled life. At this time I also began to heal, focus on my own internal stuff. I had married a man I didn't love so well to say I had an issue or two was an understatement. I was always into "spiritual" stuff, the Angels, Mindfulness, tarot , (though not nonpracticing at that point). I really stepped into who I really was, unafraid of what it meant to be in love, even though I still had no real clue into dating etc... But I was ready to launch so to speak. I turned my study into Finding love, read all I could. Worked on being the best version of myself, became pretty social and even mentioned to family and friends I was actively in the mood to meet someone... All important steps in getting back out there. I'd done my healing, internal work, ironed out the kinks so to speak, kinda like putting your house on the marked for sale... you stage it to show off to its best....after all the DE-cluttering etc I think my years in retail naturally helped me, gave me a very practical can do attitude,made finding love my new project.. I WAS ON THE MARKET...
In my long bumpy ride( no pun intended) to finding love, I learned the biggest lesson of my life, the one I teach to all my lovely clients..." YOU NEED TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOURSELF FIRST".... It doesn't matter, the hair, body,clothes, success or lack off, you may have... to your name... Love is a precious energy, to be in love is a feeling, somewhere safe, exciting, unpredictable...often bumpy but not always in the bedroom sense...Before I could and did find love I had to learn to love me, accept me
for all my imperfections, my uniqueness, accept my fears, accept my often crazy expectations... You see I wanted to Soulmate Stuff, stuff of legends, a real once in a lifetime Love its ll romance.. I Got the guy... the how I will leave to my next Blog....its a step by step process, you see I am actually a very practical person.. I like a plan I can follow... You get love you need to be able to give love..To give love you need to,be lobe.. to be love you need to love, love love yourself fist... If you don't you will keep looking... So to all the romantics out there... Begin to believe in love.. begin to believe you have all you need. if you find a gap... fill it. dont be worried, love is not perfection.. its a journey..not a destination..so I hope you enjoy your Ride.. I did and still do.